Being Fixed or Being Aware


My Mum used to say, ‘If I can just get myself right, I’ll be OK,’ in relation to what was ailing her both physically and emotionally at the moment. I hear myself echoing her words sometimes. An obsession with needing to be fixed; to be fully healed physically and emotionally for all time.

I am not alone; many people I talk with have the need to be fully healed for evermore. Mistakenly thinking there is something wrong with them for feeling sad, triggered, hurt or negative about something.

I am not suggesting that we don’t get help for medical or emotional ailments. Not for a second. But for me, denying the discomfort of the messy, murky spots in life doesn’t work. Buoying myself up by being superficially positive also doesn’t work and causes misery, confusion, and exhaustion, both for me and for those close to me.

I have come to a better understanding that this being fixed status does not exist. There is no ultimate utopian fully-healed land of perfection, harmony and no conflict.

Healing does not mean complete elimination of discomfort, difficult moments, confusion or doubt. For me, healing means being alright with myself wherever and whatever I am in each moment. Not blaming, shaming or guilting myself. Just taking account of where in my body I feel something and sitting with this until it lets me go.

Healing does not mean forgetting or not being triggered, or that all is perfectly comfortable all the time. It does not mean instant forgiveness or clarity or even feeling better. Healing does not mean ignoring my feelings or lying about them or covering them in some kind of spiritual weirdness.

When faced with dysfunctional emotional nagging about being fixed, alertness and awareness notify me that this pattern is not serving me. When I change my reaction to an old pattern, relating with others becomes easier and lot less confusing. And changing my reaction means that I’m aware and able to navigate it without it being a big deal.

It takes time to work out an old dysfunctional pattern and it may never truly go away, But you can stop participating in the old way of dealing with it when it comes up.

Awareness is the most helpful, important element here.

Healing means being willing to wade through the mud, no expectations, the only goal being presence and awareness to it all, and acceptance. Creativity happens in moments of acceptance. No shame or blame. Pure kindness to self creates unlimited creativity.