She’s Got a Messy Soul


She’s got a heavy heart, a messy soul, a reckless mind,

and I think it’s beautiful the way she carries herself.

Sean Bates

When I read this, something inside me relaxed; something moved through me and I realised that I can have amazing things, good and bad happening in my life and still be OK. Still be the essential me.

It’s easy enough to feel overwhelmed: adrenals spiking, central nervous system on high alert, head racing and heart pumping. But it’s nice if I can be all the above and more: messy, reckless, heavy, soft, good, bad, tragic, euphoric, while still carrying myself through it, still turning up for the journey.

The element that makes it OK for me is acceptance. Being with what’s happening now, without expectation. For me, lack of acceptance can be the most challenging and frustrating emotion of all… and it’s insidious.

As I sit here looking out at the beautiful spring day, blue skies, a mild 24 degrees, I struggle with acceptance. Shouldn’t I be out in this simply beautiful weather romping about, enjoying the sunshine?

Ahhh… this is where I meet it, head on.

I am a woman siting at my computer writing something I want to write. How do I know I am where I should be right now? Because I’m here, I’ve voted with my feet and a little kindness and acceptance would be nice to offer myself right now.

In very small ways, every day a niggle of non-acceptance easily worms its way into my subconscious. So, when I notice that I am thinking I could be somewhere else or should be having a different experience, I breathe in deeply and close my eyes. I notice the sounds around me, the breath filling my lungs and then I open my eyes and look around and really see everything lovely around me.

I ground myself, I take my shoes off and rub my feet onto the floor or earth, then I imagine a white cord connecting my feet to the centre of the earth and usually I smile, because I’m home. I’m back where I belong; a woman sitting, enjoying whatever I am doing right now with no expectations. Bliss.

#The painting above was painted after a meditation on the beach on a perfect summers day with my dog, Hamish. I sought to capture my soul merging with the Universe. (Acrilic on canvas.)